The secret ingredient is why I keep mine with me, despite the fact that we can afford memory care, I'm exhausted even though I have aides for her during the day, even though she has no idea who I am. What she gets and what I get from her is undefinable connection that opens my heart in a way it can communicate directly with hers, dementia be damned. She had a blast for the time she was in Assisted Living (AL) but her physical situation changed, so...as caregivers we do the best we can in the moment. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, when we knew better, we did better.
Your words are so true: "But a family caregiver has the secret ingredients no one else can provide: the deep love and commitment needed to try."
That "secret" has allowed me to do the unimaginable in caring for my wife with Alzheimer's 24/7. That love empowers me to overcome many challenges, pay close attention to the details I am so sensitive to regarding her behavior and health, and make that eternal commitment to her.
Although she can't speak, she shows her appreciation and love for me in many ways, with gestures such as a hug, a kiss, and holding hands. I am so lucky to have her as my wife.
I am grateful for your clear explanations and definitions, words I could identify with.
Thank you for your kind words, Sammie and for taking the time to connect. Your deep love for your dear wife is so clear in your beautiful commitment to caring for her. And yes, although she can't verbalize her appreciation, she can certainly express it through the unique love language only the two of you share. Your tender care reminds her that she is safe, that she matters, and that she is deeply loved. Such treasures are gifts we all hope for if and when we need care.
My husband and I are currently caring for his mom, who also has dementia. He is such a wonderful and loving caregiver for her, and I'm the support. We care for her as a team, and I can't imagine doing this alone, as you are. Although every caregiving journey is unique, caring for a loved one with dementia includes a progressive accumulation of losses - plus a different kind of weight, since the caregiver also has the responsibility for making all kinds of decisions for their loved one in all kinds of ways. That can be particularly difficult for spouses who are used to making decisions together.
So please know I'll be praying for you and your dear wife, Sammie. If there's anything I can do to help or support you, please let me know (I hit your subscribe button a little while ago and will be sharing your writing, too). 🙂
Hi Sue, I hope today is a good day for you and your Mom.
Mum and I cared for my Dad from 2015 until he passed in 2020, and now I look after Mum (in the UK). They were both doctors. I left work in Belgium to support them here. I resonate with what you've shared here. I made 'should' a swear word several years ago - expectations and inner critiquing can be harsh as a caregiver - I find it's because love can set impossible standards of care.
Like you, I'm blessed that Mum and I are very close and she appreciates everything I do. Perhaps because we cared for Dad together, so we have a shared frame of reference.
Hi Victoria! Thanks so much for taking the time to connect and share a little about your caregiving journey. You're being an incredible daughter, first caring for your dad with your mom, and now for her. And I'm so happy to hear you've banned "should" from acceptable use! :) Yes, love does create an "impossible standard of care," and you're doing the best you can, one day at a time.
And thank you for your well wishes. Although I'm having a great day, my mom's is even better. She stepped into Paradise with Jesus and her loved ones in May of 2015, and I look forward to the day I get to join her! :) She lived with us nearly 10 years, with the last four requiring pretty much 24/7 caregiving. About a year after she died, my husband and I moved closer to his mom to help her. Eventually, we sold our house and moved in to better care for her, which we continue to do.
Is there anything I can help you with? Either on your caregiving journey or with your Substack presence? Please let me know if there is. We family caregivers need to stick together. 🫶
Thanks Sue. You've done lots of caregiving, and I can see that you do so in a very loving way.
I appreciate your kind invitation and offer. I've been on Substack since Oct 2023, so I've evolved my website a few times to enable exactly what you're suggesting. Thank you for subscribing. Our network of empathy and inspiration grows, and hopefully, we'll reach those who need us and even those who didn't know they needed us.
My mission and purpose remain the same (you read about it in 'Who started Carer Mentor and Why'
I'll share your article with a few others who will probably like to connect with you too. Take care, best wishes. xo
Thanks, Victoria. What incredible love and empathy you've poured into your wonderful resources. I'm so grateful to have found you and for your connections to like-minded others. Here's a big virtual hug to you. 🫂
Big hug back to you, Sue! Thank you for those kind words of support and appreciation. Yes, Carer Mentor is a labour of love, and empathy. I'm so glad we're connected now!
The secret ingredient is why I keep mine with me, despite the fact that we can afford memory care, I'm exhausted even though I have aides for her during the day, even though she has no idea who I am. What she gets and what I get from her is undefinable connection that opens my heart in a way it can communicate directly with hers, dementia be damned. She had a blast for the time she was in Assisted Living (AL) but her physical situation changed, so...as caregivers we do the best we can in the moment. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, when we knew better, we did better.
Your words are so true: "But a family caregiver has the secret ingredients no one else can provide: the deep love and commitment needed to try."
That "secret" has allowed me to do the unimaginable in caring for my wife with Alzheimer's 24/7. That love empowers me to overcome many challenges, pay close attention to the details I am so sensitive to regarding her behavior and health, and make that eternal commitment to her.
Although she can't speak, she shows her appreciation and love for me in many ways, with gestures such as a hug, a kiss, and holding hands. I am so lucky to have her as my wife.
I am grateful for your clear explanations and definitions, words I could identify with.
Thank you for your kind words, Sammie and for taking the time to connect. Your deep love for your dear wife is so clear in your beautiful commitment to caring for her. And yes, although she can't verbalize her appreciation, she can certainly express it through the unique love language only the two of you share. Your tender care reminds her that she is safe, that she matters, and that she is deeply loved. Such treasures are gifts we all hope for if and when we need care.
My husband and I are currently caring for his mom, who also has dementia. He is such a wonderful and loving caregiver for her, and I'm the support. We care for her as a team, and I can't imagine doing this alone, as you are. Although every caregiving journey is unique, caring for a loved one with dementia includes a progressive accumulation of losses - plus a different kind of weight, since the caregiver also has the responsibility for making all kinds of decisions for their loved one in all kinds of ways. That can be particularly difficult for spouses who are used to making decisions together.
So please know I'll be praying for you and your dear wife, Sammie. If there's anything I can do to help or support you, please let me know (I hit your subscribe button a little while ago and will be sharing your writing, too). 🙂
Thank you Sue for your kind words. My very best wishes to you husband's mom and to both of you in your caregiving journey.
Hi Sue, I hope today is a good day for you and your Mom.
Mum and I cared for my Dad from 2015 until he passed in 2020, and now I look after Mum (in the UK). They were both doctors. I left work in Belgium to support them here. I resonate with what you've shared here. I made 'should' a swear word several years ago - expectations and inner critiquing can be harsh as a caregiver - I find it's because love can set impossible standards of care.
Like you, I'm blessed that Mum and I are very close and she appreciates everything I do. Perhaps because we cared for Dad together, so we have a shared frame of reference.
Hi Victoria! Thanks so much for taking the time to connect and share a little about your caregiving journey. You're being an incredible daughter, first caring for your dad with your mom, and now for her. And I'm so happy to hear you've banned "should" from acceptable use! :) Yes, love does create an "impossible standard of care," and you're doing the best you can, one day at a time.
And thank you for your well wishes. Although I'm having a great day, my mom's is even better. She stepped into Paradise with Jesus and her loved ones in May of 2015, and I look forward to the day I get to join her! :) She lived with us nearly 10 years, with the last four requiring pretty much 24/7 caregiving. About a year after she died, my husband and I moved closer to his mom to help her. Eventually, we sold our house and moved in to better care for her, which we continue to do.
Is there anything I can help you with? Either on your caregiving journey or with your Substack presence? Please let me know if there is. We family caregivers need to stick together. 🫶
Thanks Sue. You've done lots of caregiving, and I can see that you do so in a very loving way.
I appreciate your kind invitation and offer. I've been on Substack since Oct 2023, so I've evolved my website a few times to enable exactly what you're suggesting. Thank you for subscribing. Our network of empathy and inspiration grows, and hopefully, we'll reach those who need us and even those who didn't know they needed us.
My mission and purpose remain the same (you read about it in 'Who started Carer Mentor and Why'
I'll share your article with a few others who will probably like to connect with you too. Take care, best wishes. xo
Thanks, Victoria. What incredible love and empathy you've poured into your wonderful resources. I'm so grateful to have found you and for your connections to like-minded others. Here's a big virtual hug to you. 🫂
Big hug back to you, Sue! Thank you for those kind words of support and appreciation. Yes, Carer Mentor is a labour of love, and empathy. I'm so glad we're connected now!
Hi Jodi, thanks so much for sharing, and good for you! Your loved one is definitely getting the secret sauce that only you can provide.
And yes, even within the throes of dementia, beautiful connections can happen, often in the most unexpected and delightful ways.
You're doing your best, one day at a time. Rest in the fact that she loves you for that, whether she can clearly express it or not.
Please holler if I can help with anything. And know I'll be keeping you both in my prayers.